Okay so I know I am super behind on posting! But life gets in the way sometimes. Things have been good overall. I'm at my parents house this weekend for Father's Day. It's nice to be home and see everyone, especially my brothers. The drive wasn't even too bad, although four hours is a while to spend in the car, especially alone. As far as the meditation goes, that is continuing, I've done the last two days consecutively. It still is really relaxing and definitely helps to monitor my anxiety levels. Work is about the same, I am not necessarily learning anything new, but it is stable and the money is good enough to stay for the time being. Although I am getting sick of training, especially when most of it constitutes as re-training things I've already learned. So in a couple months things might change on that front but for now I will keep put.
As for Justin...well things are how they are. One minute he tells me he loves me, the next he follows it up with how he isn't sure if it is the love that would make him want to marry me someday or just platonic love. I can't force anything from him, I know this, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I care about him deeply and want to be with him. I learned that when I had a panic attack and broke up with him last September. I lasted about a month, where I realized that I couldn't get over him, and believe me I tried. Then I realized that I broke up with him out of fear. Fear of the future, fear of us, just my anxiety getting the best of me. I am bigger than my anxiety, but at the time I definitely wasn't. He luckily realized what happened before I did and of course welcomed me back into his world, and then I moved up to St. Louis, like I had planned to before.
So while things are chaotic now, I cannot expect anything from him. I love him, and I want him to decide to keep me around as his girlfriend, but I can't force it. So instead I will keep things positive and let him work through his own emotions. Hopefully his camping trip to Colorado here in a couple weeks will help clear his head. Granted my fear of him returning and telling me it is completely over is very real. Yet there is this small part of me that recognizes that is a possibility but also realizes that he still does love me, somehow, so to me, that is enough. My love for him is what pulled me back from the edge in the end. So maybe that will work for him too, I don't know if his love for me is enough....but I can hope.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Monday, June 1, 2015
Day 6
Okay so lot has happened, let's see. This past weekend was interesting to say the least. I was supportive of Justin and went to a family member's funeral with him. it was a distant relative, so nothing too serious, but still a very somber affair overall. Also the first funeral I have ever been to, so I didn't faint or anything, luckily for me. Saturday evening we did nothing because we got back late from the dinner following the funeral, so I did various things on the computer and Justin played some video games.
As for Sunday, well Justin spent the day mowing the lawn. I did laundry, cleaning around the house, and sanded and covered about half the wall in joint compound. Then I made a point to do my meditation it was very nice. Justin came in for a late lunch and then told me he wouldn't be coming on my family's vacation, but that instead he was going to Colorado with Mary. I lost it, I didn't yell. I just started crying, hard. I was so hurt by that. Not only is he no longer going on vacation with me, but he decides to go on vacation with another girl, who is his ex as well. We talked about it more, and he actually understood why I was so hurt. And then he admitted that he did want to come on vacation with me and my family, just knew he needed time to relax and get away. My family still makes him nervous. As it stands now, he is taking two vacations, hopefully between the two he will finally feel like himself.
So things are better now, after our talk he wanted to come watch a movie with me. I was still a little hurt and such, so I cried a little bit during, but I chose XXX (Triple X) the action movie. So that kind of forced me to cheer up, or at least stop crying, he watched about half with me. We cuddled a lot and he made me feel special. I mentioned that I would like to go out to dinner or do something together. I knew he still had some of the lawn to mow so I kicked him out to do that. After he left to mow, I was a little upset still, but I got the laundry and everything and then called my mom. I talked to her for a while before finishing up the movie. It was rather enjoyable to watch, then my Meme called (mom's mom) and I chatted with her before getting ready to go out. I found Justin putting the lawn mower away and asked if he was coming in to get ready. He said yes, we got all ready and went to Pasta House, so I have officially been to a Pasta House. That can be marked off the list. Justin even treated me to a strawberry shortcake slice for dessert. It was delicious.
Today at work was uneventful, but I found out my friend TJ was invited to come interview at my company so that is thoroughly exciting! I would love to have him work with me, so then I have more friends at work. So he is staying with Justin and I for the remainder of the week, even though it is Monday. Ha, we plan to keep him plenty busy with the house and various things to do. Otherwise, not too much happening. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.
Always.
Jenn
As for Sunday, well Justin spent the day mowing the lawn. I did laundry, cleaning around the house, and sanded and covered about half the wall in joint compound. Then I made a point to do my meditation it was very nice. Justin came in for a late lunch and then told me he wouldn't be coming on my family's vacation, but that instead he was going to Colorado with Mary. I lost it, I didn't yell. I just started crying, hard. I was so hurt by that. Not only is he no longer going on vacation with me, but he decides to go on vacation with another girl, who is his ex as well. We talked about it more, and he actually understood why I was so hurt. And then he admitted that he did want to come on vacation with me and my family, just knew he needed time to relax and get away. My family still makes him nervous. As it stands now, he is taking two vacations, hopefully between the two he will finally feel like himself.
So things are better now, after our talk he wanted to come watch a movie with me. I was still a little hurt and such, so I cried a little bit during, but I chose XXX (Triple X) the action movie. So that kind of forced me to cheer up, or at least stop crying, he watched about half with me. We cuddled a lot and he made me feel special. I mentioned that I would like to go out to dinner or do something together. I knew he still had some of the lawn to mow so I kicked him out to do that. After he left to mow, I was a little upset still, but I got the laundry and everything and then called my mom. I talked to her for a while before finishing up the movie. It was rather enjoyable to watch, then my Meme called (mom's mom) and I chatted with her before getting ready to go out. I found Justin putting the lawn mower away and asked if he was coming in to get ready. He said yes, we got all ready and went to Pasta House, so I have officially been to a Pasta House. That can be marked off the list. Justin even treated me to a strawberry shortcake slice for dessert. It was delicious.
Today at work was uneventful, but I found out my friend TJ was invited to come interview at my company so that is thoroughly exciting! I would love to have him work with me, so then I have more friends at work. So he is staying with Justin and I for the remainder of the week, even though it is Monday. Ha, we plan to keep him plenty busy with the house and various things to do. Otherwise, not too much happening. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.
Always.
Jenn
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