Day 7

Okay so I know I am super behind on posting! But life gets in the way sometimes. Things have been good overall. I'm at my parents house this weekend for Father's Day. It's nice to be home and see everyone, especially my brothers. The drive wasn't even too bad, although four hours is a while to spend in the car, especially alone. As far as the meditation goes, that is continuing, I've done the last two days consecutively. It still is really relaxing and definitely helps to monitor my anxiety levels. Work is about the same, I am not necessarily learning anything new, but it is stable and the money is good enough to stay for the time being. Although I am getting sick of training, especially when most of it constitutes as re-training things I've already learned. So in a couple months things might change on that front but for now I will keep put.

As for Justin...well things are how they are. One minute he tells me he loves me, the next he follows it up with how he isn't sure if it is the love that would make him want to marry me someday or just platonic love. I can't force anything from him, I know this, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I care about him deeply and want to be with him. I learned that when I had a panic attack and broke up with him last September. I lasted about a month, where I realized that I couldn't get over him, and believe me I tried. Then I realized that I broke up with him out of fear. Fear of the future, fear of us, just my anxiety getting the best of me. I am bigger than my anxiety, but at the time I definitely wasn't. He luckily realized what happened before I did and of course welcomed me back into his world, and then I moved up to St. Louis, like I had planned to before.

So while things are chaotic now, I cannot expect anything from him. I love him, and I want him to decide to keep me around as his girlfriend, but I can't force it. So instead I will keep things positive and let him work through his own emotions. Hopefully his camping trip to Colorado here in a couple weeks will help clear his head. Granted my fear of him returning and telling me it is completely over is very real. Yet there is this small part of me that recognizes that is a possibility but also realizes that he still does love me, somehow, so to me, that is enough. My love for him is what pulled me back from the edge in the end. So maybe that will work for him too, I don't know if his love for me is enough....but I can hope.