Day 8

So I know that I have been noticeably absent lately. Things have been hard. On the one hand Justin and I had another talk, he seems to feel the same as he did last month. He said we've got one more chance and I can't blame him. I wish he felt differently because I know that we work well together as a couple. Our communication needs work, but I think we are doing better. Granted he could just be hiding his feelings about the whole situation. But I try not to think about it. I can only work with how I feel and how we interact. He left for vacation on Wednesday night, so he is in Colorado with Mary. I think that he will enjoy himself. It should be good for him to get away and maybe give me some time to work on the house and clean things up. Maybe all he needed was some time away.

I've noticed that my mother affects my anxiety and paranoia. Sure I have my own personal issues which I am trying to manage. She is influencing it and making it worse though. I came home for the long weekend. I am happy to be home of course, yet having her accost me this morning about Justin and all that shit was difficult. Mostly because I've been leaving out information on her, so she thinks Justin is being shady, where it is actually me being shady. I did not want to tell her because I know how her mind makes assumptions. Granted she still knows how to tear me down and make me question my own abilities and choices. Lately it is difficult to tell when I can trust people and when they are just playing me. I am so open with my feelings lately, so sometimes I think that everyone is using me.  I know that isn't true, however when my mother picks at me, it makes me question everything I am doing.

As for life, the job is difficult and hopefully is in the process of being changed. Justin and I are talking, he seems to be trying, and I'm trying. We'll see how it goes and if it matters in the end. As you all know it will either end up being us together, or we both move forward. However it ends I'll figure it out. I've noticed that I won't jump into something else, with anyone. People keep making indirect comments. Travis thinks I'm gonna hook up with him, which isn't true. And Yuriy told Josh that I'm gonna move to Las Vegas. They have a bet set up, saying if I do, Yuriy wins a grand. But I don't want to move to Las Vegas, either for the city or for Josh. I don't need to keep looking at my past. I'm with Justin and extremely happy. So for now that is what I am concerned with. My relationship and my life are my own, and I make my choices.