So I know that I have been noticeably absent lately. Things have been hard. On the one hand Justin and I had another talk, he seems to feel the same as he did last month. He said we've got one more chance and I can't blame him. I wish he felt differently because I know that we work well together as a couple. Our communication needs work, but I think we are doing better. Granted he could just be hiding his feelings about the whole situation. But I try not to think about it. I can only work with how I feel and how we interact. He left for vacation on Wednesday night, so he is in Colorado with Mary. I think that he will enjoy himself. It should be good for him to get away and maybe give me some time to work on the house and clean things up. Maybe all he needed was some time away.
I've noticed that my mother affects my anxiety and paranoia. Sure I have my own personal issues which I am trying to manage. She is influencing it and making it worse though. I came home for the long weekend. I am happy to be home of course, yet having her accost me this morning about Justin and all that shit was difficult. Mostly because I've been leaving out information on her, so she thinks Justin is being shady, where it is actually me being shady. I did not want to tell her because I know how her mind makes assumptions. Granted she still knows how to tear me down and make me question my own abilities and choices. Lately it is difficult to tell when I can trust people and when they are just playing me. I am so open with my feelings lately, so sometimes I think that everyone is using me. I know that isn't true, however when my mother picks at me, it makes me question everything I am doing.
As for life, the job is difficult and hopefully is in the process of being changed. Justin and I are talking, he seems to be trying, and I'm trying. We'll see how it goes and if it matters in the end. As you all know it will either end up being us together, or we both move forward. However it ends I'll figure it out. I've noticed that I won't jump into something else, with anyone. People keep making indirect comments. Travis thinks I'm gonna hook up with him, which isn't true. And Yuriy told Josh that I'm gonna move to Las Vegas. They have a bet set up, saying if I do, Yuriy wins a grand. But I don't want to move to Las Vegas, either for the city or for Josh. I don't need to keep looking at my past. I'm with Justin and extremely happy. So for now that is what I am concerned with. My relationship and my life are my own, and I make my choices.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Day 7
Okay so I know I am super behind on posting! But life gets in the way sometimes. Things have been good overall. I'm at my parents house this weekend for Father's Day. It's nice to be home and see everyone, especially my brothers. The drive wasn't even too bad, although four hours is a while to spend in the car, especially alone. As far as the meditation goes, that is continuing, I've done the last two days consecutively. It still is really relaxing and definitely helps to monitor my anxiety levels. Work is about the same, I am not necessarily learning anything new, but it is stable and the money is good enough to stay for the time being. Although I am getting sick of training, especially when most of it constitutes as re-training things I've already learned. So in a couple months things might change on that front but for now I will keep put.
As for Justin...well things are how they are. One minute he tells me he loves me, the next he follows it up with how he isn't sure if it is the love that would make him want to marry me someday or just platonic love. I can't force anything from him, I know this, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I care about him deeply and want to be with him. I learned that when I had a panic attack and broke up with him last September. I lasted about a month, where I realized that I couldn't get over him, and believe me I tried. Then I realized that I broke up with him out of fear. Fear of the future, fear of us, just my anxiety getting the best of me. I am bigger than my anxiety, but at the time I definitely wasn't. He luckily realized what happened before I did and of course welcomed me back into his world, and then I moved up to St. Louis, like I had planned to before.
So while things are chaotic now, I cannot expect anything from him. I love him, and I want him to decide to keep me around as his girlfriend, but I can't force it. So instead I will keep things positive and let him work through his own emotions. Hopefully his camping trip to Colorado here in a couple weeks will help clear his head. Granted my fear of him returning and telling me it is completely over is very real. Yet there is this small part of me that recognizes that is a possibility but also realizes that he still does love me, somehow, so to me, that is enough. My love for him is what pulled me back from the edge in the end. So maybe that will work for him too, I don't know if his love for me is enough....but I can hope.
As for Justin...well things are how they are. One minute he tells me he loves me, the next he follows it up with how he isn't sure if it is the love that would make him want to marry me someday or just platonic love. I can't force anything from him, I know this, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I care about him deeply and want to be with him. I learned that when I had a panic attack and broke up with him last September. I lasted about a month, where I realized that I couldn't get over him, and believe me I tried. Then I realized that I broke up with him out of fear. Fear of the future, fear of us, just my anxiety getting the best of me. I am bigger than my anxiety, but at the time I definitely wasn't. He luckily realized what happened before I did and of course welcomed me back into his world, and then I moved up to St. Louis, like I had planned to before.
So while things are chaotic now, I cannot expect anything from him. I love him, and I want him to decide to keep me around as his girlfriend, but I can't force it. So instead I will keep things positive and let him work through his own emotions. Hopefully his camping trip to Colorado here in a couple weeks will help clear his head. Granted my fear of him returning and telling me it is completely over is very real. Yet there is this small part of me that recognizes that is a possibility but also realizes that he still does love me, somehow, so to me, that is enough. My love for him is what pulled me back from the edge in the end. So maybe that will work for him too, I don't know if his love for me is enough....but I can hope.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Day 6
Okay so lot has happened, let's see. This past weekend was interesting to say the least. I was supportive of Justin and went to a family member's funeral with him. it was a distant relative, so nothing too serious, but still a very somber affair overall. Also the first funeral I have ever been to, so I didn't faint or anything, luckily for me. Saturday evening we did nothing because we got back late from the dinner following the funeral, so I did various things on the computer and Justin played some video games.
As for Sunday, well Justin spent the day mowing the lawn. I did laundry, cleaning around the house, and sanded and covered about half the wall in joint compound. Then I made a point to do my meditation it was very nice. Justin came in for a late lunch and then told me he wouldn't be coming on my family's vacation, but that instead he was going to Colorado with Mary. I lost it, I didn't yell. I just started crying, hard. I was so hurt by that. Not only is he no longer going on vacation with me, but he decides to go on vacation with another girl, who is his ex as well. We talked about it more, and he actually understood why I was so hurt. And then he admitted that he did want to come on vacation with me and my family, just knew he needed time to relax and get away. My family still makes him nervous. As it stands now, he is taking two vacations, hopefully between the two he will finally feel like himself.
So things are better now, after our talk he wanted to come watch a movie with me. I was still a little hurt and such, so I cried a little bit during, but I chose XXX (Triple X) the action movie. So that kind of forced me to cheer up, or at least stop crying, he watched about half with me. We cuddled a lot and he made me feel special. I mentioned that I would like to go out to dinner or do something together. I knew he still had some of the lawn to mow so I kicked him out to do that. After he left to mow, I was a little upset still, but I got the laundry and everything and then called my mom. I talked to her for a while before finishing up the movie. It was rather enjoyable to watch, then my Meme called (mom's mom) and I chatted with her before getting ready to go out. I found Justin putting the lawn mower away and asked if he was coming in to get ready. He said yes, we got all ready and went to Pasta House, so I have officially been to a Pasta House. That can be marked off the list. Justin even treated me to a strawberry shortcake slice for dessert. It was delicious.
Today at work was uneventful, but I found out my friend TJ was invited to come interview at my company so that is thoroughly exciting! I would love to have him work with me, so then I have more friends at work. So he is staying with Justin and I for the remainder of the week, even though it is Monday. Ha, we plan to keep him plenty busy with the house and various things to do. Otherwise, not too much happening. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.
Always.
Jenn
As for Sunday, well Justin spent the day mowing the lawn. I did laundry, cleaning around the house, and sanded and covered about half the wall in joint compound. Then I made a point to do my meditation it was very nice. Justin came in for a late lunch and then told me he wouldn't be coming on my family's vacation, but that instead he was going to Colorado with Mary. I lost it, I didn't yell. I just started crying, hard. I was so hurt by that. Not only is he no longer going on vacation with me, but he decides to go on vacation with another girl, who is his ex as well. We talked about it more, and he actually understood why I was so hurt. And then he admitted that he did want to come on vacation with me and my family, just knew he needed time to relax and get away. My family still makes him nervous. As it stands now, he is taking two vacations, hopefully between the two he will finally feel like himself.
So things are better now, after our talk he wanted to come watch a movie with me. I was still a little hurt and such, so I cried a little bit during, but I chose XXX (Triple X) the action movie. So that kind of forced me to cheer up, or at least stop crying, he watched about half with me. We cuddled a lot and he made me feel special. I mentioned that I would like to go out to dinner or do something together. I knew he still had some of the lawn to mow so I kicked him out to do that. After he left to mow, I was a little upset still, but I got the laundry and everything and then called my mom. I talked to her for a while before finishing up the movie. It was rather enjoyable to watch, then my Meme called (mom's mom) and I chatted with her before getting ready to go out. I found Justin putting the lawn mower away and asked if he was coming in to get ready. He said yes, we got all ready and went to Pasta House, so I have officially been to a Pasta House. That can be marked off the list. Justin even treated me to a strawberry shortcake slice for dessert. It was delicious.
Today at work was uneventful, but I found out my friend TJ was invited to come interview at my company so that is thoroughly exciting! I would love to have him work with me, so then I have more friends at work. So he is staying with Justin and I for the remainder of the week, even though it is Monday. Ha, we plan to keep him plenty busy with the house and various things to do. Otherwise, not too much happening. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.
Always.
Jenn
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Day 5
Today went well, I was busy at work I helped cover for another one of the assistants who had to take the day off. Got stuck in traffic on the way home, but then I made myself a nice chicken pasta dinner. Afterward I spent time with Autumn and then worked more on the walls of the house. Got quite a few holes filled in more.
After I worked on the walls, Justin came home and then I did my meditation and that went well. It was very relaxing and refreshing. I am excited for the weekend. It should be good, doing stuff around the house and such. Other than that no particular plans, I would like to go take photos sometime this weekend too, preferably at a park. That's about it for now.
Always.
Jenn
After I worked on the walls, Justin came home and then I did my meditation and that went well. It was very relaxing and refreshing. I am excited for the weekend. It should be good, doing stuff around the house and such. Other than that no particular plans, I would like to go take photos sometime this weekend too, preferably at a park. That's about it for now.
Always.
Jenn
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Day 4
So I know I didn't post yesterday. I have had quite a lot happen personally that made me pull time away from this at least for a day so that I could regroup and find out what I'm doing. The short answer for all that is that I have been rather short-sighted lately and only looking for my own benefits and it has hurt my relationships, most notably with my boyfriend. That was both very grounding and terrifying because I thought that I had ruined things beyond the point of repair. As such I needed time to myself to process and realize that it is not that far gone. My anxiety merely put me in extreme overdrive and made my already dramatic tendencies worse because of course it is the end of the world.
Now that I have had some time to act, I realize this isn't true. And while things were bad, I am finally at a point where I can take control and find balance. I realize that while I need to make sure I take care of myself, my boyfriend does not self-care in the way that I do. Nor does it communicate the same way. I tend to talk things to death, hence my writing, whereas for him it has always been that actions speak louder. I have never had that before with anyone I know. As such I am not used to just doing things, especially if I fear that I will mess them up somehow. Instead I have learned to stay out of the way, but in my relationship with him that does not work. I need to act, and even with my anxiety screaming at me sometimes, I have managed to quiet the voice down. So it is a start.
I have continued with my meditations, I am on Day 5 with that, so progress is good. It is helping me personally I can tell by bringing about a calm that I did not know I had. Other than that things are going well, work seems to be getting better. I have a fully registered car that the taxes have been paid on. And I am getting all my various doctors settled. So things here are good, they are definitely looking more positive each and every day. I can only hope it continues.
Always.
Jenn
Now that I have had some time to act, I realize this isn't true. And while things were bad, I am finally at a point where I can take control and find balance. I realize that while I need to make sure I take care of myself, my boyfriend does not self-care in the way that I do. Nor does it communicate the same way. I tend to talk things to death, hence my writing, whereas for him it has always been that actions speak louder. I have never had that before with anyone I know. As such I am not used to just doing things, especially if I fear that I will mess them up somehow. Instead I have learned to stay out of the way, but in my relationship with him that does not work. I need to act, and even with my anxiety screaming at me sometimes, I have managed to quiet the voice down. So it is a start.
I have continued with my meditations, I am on Day 5 with that, so progress is good. It is helping me personally I can tell by bringing about a calm that I did not know I had. Other than that things are going well, work seems to be getting better. I have a fully registered car that the taxes have been paid on. And I am getting all my various doctors settled. So things here are good, they are definitely looking more positive each and every day. I can only hope it continues.
Always.
Jenn
Monday, May 25, 2015
Day 3
Okay so I meditated yesterday, it went nicely. Today I attempted it but am having problems from the website that I've been learning on via videos. So I guess I'll just skip that for tonight. As for the lack of posting happening on here. Well I got involved with having a life basically. Yesterday I spent cleaning the house, we had people over in the evening and I wanted to make sure that the house looked as least okay. After cleaning for the day it did turn out well. It was nice, and having everyone over was definitely refreshing and cheered me up to have friends over.
As for everything else, well still need to figure out the car registration and all. Have to look and see if I can find cheaper car insurance. Need to get a release for some medical records, what with moving I figured that I should probably get on top of the doctor situation before I get ill. I'm also looking to join a gym, figured I should make fitness a priority as well. That one is my least favorite thing. Although I know plenty of people who feel similarly and I just need to get off my butt. At least with writing and meditation I am being more "active" even if it is mostly mental stimulation, it's better than where I was.
The boyfriend is around, should be home sometime soon. I'm sure he's tired after his float trip today. I decided not to go, due to being up late with friends and just overall tiredness. I knew I could not enjoy a really long day outside today. I am trying to get better about that as well, but as a child with very limited outdoor experiences, I tend to get uncomfortable in the heat.
Other than that I am in the process of planning other activities, both to make more friends and to keep my relationship going strong with Justin.
Always.
Jenn
As for everything else, well still need to figure out the car registration and all. Have to look and see if I can find cheaper car insurance. Need to get a release for some medical records, what with moving I figured that I should probably get on top of the doctor situation before I get ill. I'm also looking to join a gym, figured I should make fitness a priority as well. That one is my least favorite thing. Although I know plenty of people who feel similarly and I just need to get off my butt. At least with writing and meditation I am being more "active" even if it is mostly mental stimulation, it's better than where I was.
The boyfriend is around, should be home sometime soon. I'm sure he's tired after his float trip today. I decided not to go, due to being up late with friends and just overall tiredness. I knew I could not enjoy a really long day outside today. I am trying to get better about that as well, but as a child with very limited outdoor experiences, I tend to get uncomfortable in the heat.
Other than that I am in the process of planning other activities, both to make more friends and to keep my relationship going strong with Justin.
Always.
Jenn
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Day 2
Okay so things today weren't so good at work. Typical problems that are not my fault but I'm expected to somehow fix them. Overall it wasn't terrible or anything, just frustrating because the problems weren't even real things by my standards, it wasn't anything we could fix. But I tried anyways, and surprise surprise there was nothing we could do. So after wasting at least two hours on that, it was back to the regular day to day stuff. Got to leave early since I was covering for the receptionist and came in earlier, that was nice. Then found out the plans I was supposed to have got canceled at the last second, due to traffic and not having enough time.
So after all that I was disappointed because I was thoroughly looking forward to it, hence my going to work early in the first place. Oh well. I played some video games to help cheer myself up after chores, still kind of blah, but looking at my list and thinking I'll take something off it tonight if I can, by accomplishing it, not just deleting it, ha.
For now though I need to do day 3 of meditating first before anything else. I will do that, and keep my promise about it, even if I'm not feeling up to it. As for dinner, I'm not hungry, so it isn't gonna happen.
Anyways, hope your days were better!
So after all that I was disappointed because I was thoroughly looking forward to it, hence my going to work early in the first place. Oh well. I played some video games to help cheer myself up after chores, still kind of blah, but looking at my list and thinking I'll take something off it tonight if I can, by accomplishing it, not just deleting it, ha.
For now though I need to do day 3 of meditating first before anything else. I will do that, and keep my promise about it, even if I'm not feeling up to it. As for dinner, I'm not hungry, so it isn't gonna happen.
Anyways, hope your days were better!
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